Resident Shenanigans
by Biohazrd23
Summary: Some of the characters from the first three Resident Evil games are living together in a shared apartment, this story is basically about the crazy things they do and the far-out antics and shenanigans they get up to.
1. Intro

_**Resident Shenanigans  
by Biohazrd23**_

_**Authors Note:  
**_**Hey guys, how's it goin', I'm Biohazrd23, you may know me from Fun at the Mansion, my parody of the first Resident Evil game. This FanFiction is based off a random idea I came up with while watching Total Drama Island and reading Drivenbyrevenge's Sweeney Todd story, '**_**The Demon Barber is ALIVE!**_**'.  
Basically, some of the RE characters are living together after the events of Resident Evil 3 and just chilling. Hope you enjoy it and please review!**

* * *

Chris Redfield sat next to Jill Valentine with his arms around her. Jill had her head on his shoulders and was looking at his eyes lovingly.  
Chris leaned his head down and kissed her.

"Aww, aren't they so cute together?" Spoke Leon Kennedy from the other side of the room, glancing over at Chris and Jill.

Claire slapped him lightly on his cheek.

"Oh, stop it you." She said just as she kissed the cheek she slapped,

"Ok Leon I gotta go to work, see you later babe."

"Ok then, love you Claire." Responded Leon.

"See you Claire!" Shouted Chris and Jill simultaneously.

"Bye guys!" Claire said as she walked out of the door with her bag.

Leon walked over to the couch opposite Chris and sat down.

"So what are you guys gonna get up to today?" He asked.

"I'm going shopping with Rebecca and then we're gonna see a movie." Jill answered.

"I'm just working again today," said Chris, "Oh yeah, Leon, have you handed in your resume yet?"

"Yeah, I'm starting next week. Once they found out I had been assigned to Raccoon City they immediately said yes."

Leon switched on the television. On the screen, a blonde news reporter sat behind a shiny desk and calmly said,  
"It's been a year since the horrible destruction of the Midwestern town of Raccoon City, mourners gathered at the city gates to pay their respects for lost family and friends. Raccoon city was completely obliterated when the town's nuclear reactor suffered a meltdown, devastating the city and the nearby woods. People are still coming to terms with their loss and our hearts go out to all the families of the townspeople. Raccoon city was one of the biggest man-made disasters in the world's history. This has been Rachel Lovett reporting."

Leon quickly turned the TV off and hung his head.

"Leon..." Jill asked.

"I'm fine." Leon responded, not lifting his head up.

"Come on buddy, don't worry about it." Chris told him solemnly.

"You weren't there Chris!" Leon shouted. "All those people, crying for their dead family! I was there, I killed those people!"

"You had to Leon. I was there too, remember. I had to kill people as well." Jill reminded him.

"No, it was Umbrella that killed them. Not us. We did what we had to do to survive." Chris added.

"...", Leon said nothing.

"It's been a year Leon, can we all just get on with our lives and forget about what happened there. Nobody besides us even knew we were there."

Leon suffered a small flashback as the image of Ada flashed into his mind.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I just can't get it out of my head."

"Have you ever thought about seeing a psychiatrist?"

"What psychiatrist would believe me? I can't talk to anyone about it!"

"You can talk to us, we're your friends. We'll support you."

"I was just a rookie cop when it happened, you and everyone else were highly trained and experienced STARS members."

"Not Claire, think about how she feels. And what about poor Sherry, she was only as little girl!"

Leon jumped off the couch and ran off into his room trying not to cry.

"Poor guy, it really destroyed him." Chris said.

"Yeah, it was horrible for all of us." Jill responded.

Suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Oh, that must be Rebecca."

Jill hopped off the couch and walked over to the door. She opened it expectantly and saw Rebecca Chambers standing in a dull green and blue shirt and dark blue jeans.

"Hey Jill, ready to go?" She asked.

"Yeah sure Becks, just gotta get my stuff."

Jill hopped down to the bathroom to get ready. Rebecca walked in and greeted Chris, who was still sitting on the black couch.

Rebecca went to Chris and sat next to him on the couch.

"It's been a tough year, hasn't it?" Rebecca asked.

"Yeah." Chris responded.

All of a sudden, a heavy trophy fell from the shelf above the couch and thumped Rebecca on the back of her head. Rebecca didn't see it coming and was knocked unconscious instantly. Her body slumped over and her head fell in Chris's lap just as Jill walked out. Chris was unable to move, partly due to shock and partly due to Rebecca's heavy body on him.

Jill immediately thought the worst as she saw her head on his lap.

"Jill can you..."

"Oh, save it Chris!" Screamed Jill as she ran out bawling her eyes out.

Leon busted out of his room and saw Chris in the awkward position with Rebecca.

"What the hell, Chris?" He shouted.

"It's not what it looks like, can you just help get her off me?"

Leon burst into laughter and cheerfully walked over to the couch.

"She's unconscious." Chris stated.

"What did you do?" Leon laughed.

"The trophy fell and hit her, can you just shut up and help me."

Leon willingly heaved Rebecca's limp body off Chris's lap and rested her body at the other end of the couch.

"Damn it, Jill." Chris said, "Did you see where she went, Leon?"

"I just saw her run out the apartment. I didn't see where she went after that. It'll be ok Chris, she'll understand."

Chris leaped off the lounge and ran out of the apartment after Jill. Leon stayed back to look after Rebecca, who was still out cold.

"Jill! Are you there?" Shouted Chris, almost panicking.

"Leave me alone Chris, it's over! I can't go away for one minute without you cheating on me with my best friend!" Came Jill's voice from somewhere.

"Jill it wasn't what it looked like, she was unconscious!"

"You cheated on me with my best friend while she was unconscious?"

"NO! Look, can you just come up here, I'll explain everything! Please, Jill."

"I don't know Chris..."

"Please. Just come up and I'll explain."

Jill hesitantly came out of hiding in the shadows, tears covering her face.

"Tell me it isn't true Chris."

"It's not true Jilly, I would never do that to you."

Jill ran up to him and hugged him, squeezing far too hard.

"I'm so sorry Chris, it's just when I saw you like that... I just had to think the worst."

"No, it's ok, really. I love you Jill."

"I love you too."

'_I almost lost her... I don't know what I would've done if I ever lost her.' _Thought Chris, trying to fight back a small tear.

Chris walked back to their shared apartment, hand in hand with Jill. He opened the front door happily, glad he'd gotten through what had just happened. Chris opened his mouth in terror at what he saw inside.

Leon was standing on the couch over Rebecca, who was still unconscious, with his pants down around his ankles, moving his hips back and forth over her mouth.

Jill screamed at the sight as Leon spun around, realising that he'd just been caught in the act.

"Uhh it's not what it looks like!" Leon shouted in panic.

**

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**

Take that fellow Resident Evil fans, you've just been scarred for life. Please review and tell me what you think. NOW!

**-Biohazrd23**


	2. Clumsy Pole Dancers

_**Resident Shenanigans  
By Biohazrd23**_

_**A/N:  
**_**Yes, it HAS been forever since I've uploaded any of my stories, get used to it I'm busy. Not to mention I write very slowly, taking two days to write half of a chapter is normal for me. Yes, I get it you guys are impatient, but sending me multiple messages screaming at me to update don't speed up the process at all. I'll upload, when it's done.**

* * *

Chapter Two:  
Clumsy Pole Dancers

Leon, Chris, Jill and Rebecca are sitting at a table in McDonalds, eating Big Macs, except for Rebecca, who was eating a Small Mac. They were quietly eating when Leon broke the silence,

"So anyway I'm thinking of becoming a pole dancer." He blurted out.

Chris and Jill spat out the food in their mouths and burst into laughter uncontrollably while Rebecca face-palmed herself and giggled.

"What? What's so funny about me wanting to be a pole dancer?" Leon asked with a serious look on his face.

Rebecca was the first one who managed to stifle her laughter.

"Have you ever seen a male pole dancer Leon?" She asked.

"Umm, well no. But why cant I?"

"For exactly that reason, Leon. It's kind of a female only profession."

"You guys never support me, you suck."

"Ok, sorry Leon, you go become a pole dancer, I bet you'll be the best stripper in Vegas."

"I wanna be a pole dancer, not a stripper, god I do have standards you know. STOP LAUGHING CHRIS!"

Chris fell off the chair and rolled on the floor, holding his sides and laughing harder than ever.

"You suck, Chris."

Jill immediately followed and fell to the floor laughing.

"I hate my friends." Leon pouted.

Chris arrived at their shared apartment and noticed Leon sitting at the computer.

"Hey Leon, whatcha doin?" Chris asked.

"Ohh nothing, just uhh..." Leon paused, looking for a lie to tell Chris.

"Yes?" Chris asked.

"Umm this... awesome... picture of... Jill... making out with... Oprah."

"What really? Show me."

Chris hurried over and looked at the screen. Just as Leon quickly minimised the window.

"Oh, you wouldn't like it it's just... really... hot."

"Aww, come on show me."

"Noo its just way too-"

"You're on WikiHow again aren't you?"

"Yeah." Leon admitted, he reluctantly maximised the window and Chris burst into laughter instantly at the '_How to be a Pole Dancer' _page Leon had been reading.

"You see, this is why I didn't want to show you." Leon said, eyeing Chris collapsed on the floor in a fit of laughter.

"Screw you Chris."

* * *

Later that night, Jill and Chris are at the table while Leon is on the phone.

"You doing anything tomorrow?" Chris asked.

"Yeah I gotta do this thing." Jill responded.

"What thing?"

"Just a thing."

"Uh. Okay then."

There was a short silence. Then Jill spoke up.

"I'm picking up my parents from the airport, okay?"

"Ohh no."

"It's ok, they're not staying with us, I know how you get around them."

"It's not really how I get around them, but more how they get around me."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You mean you haven't noticed it before?"

"Well, no."

"Jill... your parents... kinda..."

"Yes...?"

"Well... they try to outdo me."

"What?"

"You know how we were makin out on the couch that time they were here?"

"Well you didn't see what they were doing on the other couch."

* * *

FLASHBACK!

Chris sat on one of the couches with Jill on his lap, they were locking lips enthusiastically.

Jill's parents, who were in their early-50's walked in and sat on the opposite sofa smiling. Chris looked over and saw them there but continued with Jill. Jill was unaware of their presence and kept sucking face. On the other couch, Jill's dad looked over and smiled at his wife. Jill's parents both had the same idea and Jill's mom immediately leapt onto her husband's lap and began passionately kissing him. Chris looked over Jill's shoulder once again, keeping his lips on hers and was disgusted at the sight of Jill's parents. Not wanting to be outdone, Chris quickly took it to the next level and grabbed and squeezed Jill's ass. Jill let out a little giggle Chris responded by pulling her crotch closer to his.

He looked over her shoulder once again and raised his eyebrows at Jill's parents doing exactly the same, her mother moaned a little and Chris felt sick. He wasn't gonna let them show him up, Chris slowly put his hands up the back of Jill's light-blue shirt, about to unclip her bra, Jill, still oblivious to her parents company. Chris peeked over and saw Jill's mothers shirt entirely off, with no bra!

Chris wanted to retch, he pushed Jill off his lap and ran off to the bathroom, holding his mouth which was about to burst.

* * *

PRESENT DAY!

"Oh Chris that's ridiculous!"

"You saw them once I went to vomit!"

"Chris, my mom explained this. She felt hot so she took her shirt off the cool down."

"Why the hell did she take off her bra aswell then?"

"You wouldn't know how hot it gets in there, Chris."

Chris felt to urge to retch again, but was interrupted by Leon, who came screaming and running into the room holding the phone in his hand.

"Guys you would not believe the news!" He shouted.

"You finally came out of the closet?" Chris asked sarcastically.

"Noooooo."

"Well what then you poofy-haired man?"

"That man on the phone offered me a job!"

"Oh no, not pol-"

"POLE DANCING!" screamed Leon.

"Who the hell would hire a man to pole dance?" Chris wondered, before coming to a realisation.

"Ohh." Said Chris.

"Uhh, Leon..." Started Jill.

"ARE YOU AS EXCITED AS I AM!" Exclaimed Leon, jumping up and down on the spot.

"Yeahhh, look Leon... Umm... who exactly hired you?"

"He's the manager of a club and he overheard us in McDonalds the other day." Leon answered.

"And what kind of club is it exactly?"

"It's called the Different Taste Gentleman's Club."

"Umm, isn't that that gay bar a couple blocks away?"

"No, it's not a gay bar, he said it's a gentlemans club for men with different tastes, so I guess its like a strip club with food or something."

"Umm, no Leon I'm pretty sure it's a gay bar." Jill said, concerned. Chris started to chuckle.

"Whatever you guys, you're just jealous because I'm doing something with my life."

"And that something just happens to be entertaining elderly gay men who have a thing for blondes."

"Well wether you assholes support me or not, I'm going tomorrow. I'm going to put on my stripper heels and nipple tassels and I'm gonna do what I love!" Leon stormed out of the room to cry in his bedroom.

There was a silence in the room, before Chris spoke.

"Hey Jill, ten bucks he gets gangbanged on his first day."

"Deal." Jill said, shaking his hand.

* * *

"Ok, Leon. You can do this." Leon said assuring himself. Wearing a ridiculous amount of mascara, glitter and make-up with stripper heels, shirtless and with pink nipple tassels.

The announcers voice roared out of the speakers.

"And now, please put your hands together for... Lusty Leon the Luxurious!"

Dozens of gay men roared with excitement and clapped as Leon walked out on stage, the spotlight hurting his eyes only slightly. He sauntered towards the shiny pole at the end of the catwalk.

Money was hurled at his feet, he smiled in excitement.

Cheering and whooping erupted in the crowd as he wrapped his legs around the pole. He wanted to stop when he saw Jill, Chris and Rebecca at a table in the corner, applauding him and cheering him on. Leon smiled incredibly wide and laughed a little at them while continuing dancing.

A few minutes later, Leon had finished his performance and walked up to the table where his friends were sitting, drinking beer and various cocktails, he was still wearing his costume.

"Wow, gay bars have the best margaritas." Exclaimed Rebecca.

"They also have the worst beer." Chris responded, eyeing the bottle in his hand.

"Oh stop complaining Chris, enjoy yourself."

"I'm trying but I've already been hit on by around 7 gay guys in here."

"Now you know how us girls feel in a normal bar, all these disgusting guys coming up and getting all up in our space, trying to impress us with their lame party tricks while so drunk they drool more than they talk."

"Yeah, anyway, hey Leon!"

"What are you guys doing here?" Leon asked.

"To see you of course, we wanted to see if you were actually serious about this and... Wow man, you are just way too enthusiastic about that pole." Jill said.

"Haha, that's just what my dance instructor said, he said I was a natural."

"Yeah that sounds about right, sit down man, have a drink."

"Yeah, I'm done for the night anyway."

"What happened to that job application you were going for?" Chris asked.

"What do you mean?" Responded Leon.

"Didn't you hand in your resume to that place the other week?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I specifically remember you saying you were gonna hand in your resume to that place and that accepted you and you were gonna start the week after."

"Ohhhh, that."

"Yeah well it turns out that I never got the job."

"Oh. Why not?"

"They didn't look too kindly on my thankyou gift."

"What was the gift?"

"A box full of porno." Leon said casually.

"Oh. Well that explains it then."

"How was I supposed to know that most of them were ardent feminists?"

"Yeah..."

* * *

By the time the phone rang, Leon was in bed and Chris and Jill were snuggled up together on their couch watching a romantic comedy.

"This is ridiculous, how is the dead guy sending love letters to his wife if he's dead?" Chris asked, annoyed.

"It doesn't matter how he does it, just enjoy the movie. If you're too worried about what makes sense and what doesn't you'll never understand movies." Jill replied.

"Just seems stupid to me."

"Ok, honey."

Their phone roared to life with the annoying tone. Jill got up to answer it while Chris pondered how '_P.S. I Love You'_ makes any sense at all.

When Jill had finished she walked over and sat back down next to Chris.

"Who was that?" Chris asked.

"My parents."

"Oh."

"Yeah turns out the resort they were gonna stay at had a major gas leak and now they've closed and my mom and dad have nowhere to go."

"Uh-oh." Chris knew what this meant.

"Chris, my parents are coming to stay with us." Jill finished.


End file.
